People Please No More

Why you’re a people pleaser, how it’s affecting your relationship with money and economic opportunities, and how to stop!

But First: Why aren’t you signed up to our next Finance Therapy Circle yet?! FTC - but make it Neurospicy! We’ll be joined by the AudDHD goddess that is Sam Sunduis, making space for all things neurodivergent money. All brains welcome! 17th Feb, 5.30pm GMT

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Let’s get to it

Have you ever found yourself saying "yes" to something when your gut screams "no"? Or bent over backward to accommodate others, even at your own expense? If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. People-pleasing is a deeply ingrained pattern for many of us. It might win us approval in the moment, but the long-term cost, particularly to our financial and emotional well-being, can be immense.

As a recovering people pleaser (it’s been a long recovery), I’ve seen these tendencies creep into so many parts of my life, leaving me frustrated with my own actions and inability to put my needs first. Shopping is my Everest - I can’t stand it! I waste so much time standing in the aisle with decision paralysis, unable to choose the things I’M going to eat or wear. A 10 minute mission easily becomes an hour-long escapade, mulling over brands and prices, texting people for their opinions or checking if they need anything, whilst questioning my own purchasing decisions. An hour later, I’m walking out of there wondering how I wasted so much time and realising I forgot the one damn thing I actually needed! Or worse, regretting everything I purchased the second someone else invalidates it with their opinion.

Mean Girls quotes will forever be relevant here!

Let’s dig into why people-pleasing happens, how it shapes your relationship with money, and, most importantly, how you can break free of these patterns for a healthier financial future.

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Maybe (S)he’s Born With It, Maybe It’s TRAUMA

People-pleasing doesn’t just come out of nowhere. And it's definitely not a case of ‘nature’, where it’s just part of your personality. It often takes root in childhood as a coping mechanism to manage a chaotic, invalidating, or overly demanding environment. Remember when I said your relationship to money is set by age 7? Well so is a whole load of other shit.

Here are some common traumas we experience in childhood that lead to people-pleasing behaviours:

1. Conditional Love: If love and approval in your family were tied to performance (good grades, achievements, or being the "good" child), you may have internalised that you must earn affection by meeting others' expectations (first daughters from immigrant backgrounds, am I right?!)
   

2. Emotional Neglect: Growing up with emotionally unavailable caregivers may have taught you to prioritise others’ needs to feel valuable or needed.
   

3. Conflict Avoidance: In households where conflict was explosive or unpredictable, keeping the peace might have been a survival tactic. And now your ‘flight’ mode is to please others to avoid conflict.

Over time, these experiences carve out belief systems like “I’m only as good as what I give to others” or “If I say no, I’ll lose love and connection.” These beliefs can spill over into adulthood, affecting how you handle work, relationships, and of course, money.

Displeasing Your Bank Account

For us normies, there is no award for ‘most liked (wo)man of the year’. And it definitely doesn’t come assigned with a pay cheque or promotion. People-pleasing isn’t just emotional; it’s financial, too. Here’s how it often shows up in your money habits:

1. Overspending to Fit In: Buying expensive gifts, picking up tabs, or saying “yes” to events you can’t afford to maintain relationships or avoid conflict.

   Those three hen/stag do’s and weddings you went to and blew your entire year’s holiday budget on to please a friend you see twice a year, at best - Yeah, this is that.

   Or maybe you overspend time on others, whilst doing the bare minimum for yourself. Personally I do this with cooking - I’m a decent cook, and I can easily spend an entire day or two planning and cooking for friends - but myself? Easy, quick, no-frills meals - 20 mins or less - just get the protein, carbs and fat on the plate and eaten in as little time as possible - because spending time, love and care on nourishing myself - nah, I’m not worth the effort. In fact, I could easily make it to 2pm before I even think of feeding and watering myself ahead of the to-do list on most days - do not recommend.

2. Undercharging or Over Delivering: If you’re a freelancer, business owner, or service provider, you may find yourself discounting your rates, overextending deadlines, or giving away extras because you fear rejection.

   When they pay for one week of work, but you worry you didn’t meet the brief or do enough in that time, so you spend another two weeks on it and then let them off the final (late) payment, before they’ve even given you a word of feedback, because just the prospect of criticism makes your soul shudder.
   

3. Difficulty Saying No: Loaning money you can’t spare, taking on unpaid work, or agreeing to financial commitments that drain you.

   This is another one that runs rife for (grand)children of immigrants - they gave up everything to give you a better life, so we owe them, right? Wrong - but it’s been drilled into you for generations, so how can you say ‘no’, even when it comes at immense cost to your own financial wellbeing.
   

4. Avoidance: Ignoring financial boundaries because they’re "too confrontational," like letting others leave unpaid debts or splitting bills unfairly.

   You didn’t have a drink and had the cheapest thing on the menu to save money, but everyone else had 3 courses and 4 drinks, and they want to spit the bill - So you pay 5x the cost of your meal to avoid the conflict, or worse, be a pain to the group’s collective lack of basic maths and the server’s time, because taking up space for your needs is unfathomable - sound familiar?

At its core, people-pleasing fuels a pattern of self-neglect, where your financial security and goals take a backseat to keeping others happy.

The Pick-Me Mindset

You may look at your people pleasing tendencies as a positive personality trait, dressing them up as considerate, empathetic or easy to like and be loved. However, you can do these things without always putting yourself at the back of the line.

If you’re not sure whether people-pleasing is affecting your finances, look out for these tell-tale patterns:

• Scarcity Mindset: Believing there’s never enough time, energy, or money for yourself because it’s all going to others.

• Perfectionism: Over-delivering at work or in relationships to prove your worth, often leading to burnout.

• Avoiding Conflict: Letting financial decisions slide because asking for fairness feels too uncomfortable.

• People as Investments: Subconsciously treating relationships like transactions, where you give in hopes of "earning" love or approval.

The good news is, it’s not in your nature, you have the power to change it and recognising these patterns is the first step to breaking them.

Pleasing Ain’t Cheap

The long-term impact of people-pleasing can be staggering. Beyond financial strain, people-pleasing behaviours chip away at your self-esteem, breed resentment, and reinforce a cycle of exhaustion.

Are you avoiding being honest with yourself? What would happen if you gave yourself time and space to reflect on how you’re feeling everyday? Would you find yourself feeling tired, overworked, underappreciated, frustrated and unhappy?

Maybe you keep yourself busy pleasing everyone else, so you don’t have to face the reality of the unfulfillment and resentment you’re actually harbouring. Some of us fill the void by showing love and appreciation for others, and that’s fine, as long as it’s not the norm and our own needs aren’t being left unmet.

If left unchecked, it can also derail your biggest financial goals: saving for the future, investing in your growth, building a family, starting a business, or achieving financial security and independence.

Healing the People-Pleaser in You

People-pleasing is a learned behaviour, and with awareness, it can be unlearned. Healing these patterns involves addressing the root causes while building healthier financial habits. Looking after yourself and your needs is the most respectable thing you can do - no one else is coming to save you, and you’re responsible for your own oxygen mask, after all.

However, awareness alone won’t solve your problems - you need to get out of your own way and take action too! Here are some things you can do to build more awareness, address your blockers, and start implementing actionable changes:

1. Unpack Your Triggers

Start by reflecting on when and why you feel compelled to please others. What situations make it hardest to say no? Whose approval do you seek most? Journaling or working with a therapist can help uncover deeper patterns and beliefs driving this behaviour.

This can be activating work, so take care of your nervous system, regulate yourself before and after, and most importantly, if you need to cry - cry! It’s good for you - the main nervous system response during crying is the activation of the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps to calm the body down and promote relaxation.

2. Set Clear Boundaries

Boundaries are non-negotiable for your financial and emotional well-being. Start small by practicing phrases like:

• “I can’t commit to that right now.”

• “Let me think about it and get back to you.”

• “That’s not in my budget this month.”

Setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable at first, but it gets easier with practice.

Unfortunately, you can’t control someone else’s response to setting boundaries - I’ve had the misfortune of learning this the hard way. The conflict may lead the dominant people pleaser in you caving in - that’s ok, it takes practice, reinforcement and the belief that you are worth making the change, and that takes time. Give yourself grace through this period (and always).

You may even feel bad for letting people down, or begin to worry what your friends and family think of you (i.e. selfish, unreasonable, uncaring, unkind) - I know I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time mulling over my boundary setting, the arguments and tensions it created, and thinking that I shouldn't have bothered. But these feelings are temporary, and my wellbeing, mindset and financial position are stronger for it in the long-run.

Remember: People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. If someone is reacting negatively to your reasonably set boundaries, they are likely projecting their own unresolved issues onto you, and it might be because they haven't fully processed their own emotions. Give them grace, time and space, too.

3. Reframe Your Beliefs About Worth

Detach your self-worth from how much you do or give. Remind yourself that you’re valuable simply for being, not for over giving. Affirmations like “I am deserving of rest, care, and abundance” can help rewrite these narratives. Don’t just say it, believe it and let it flow through your actions everyday. Here’s a cute little habit stack for you:

1. Check yourself when the people pleasing tendencies creep in

2. Notice the trigger

3. Regulate your nervous system (Think deep breaths, slow movements)

4. Ask yourself ‘why?’, ‘Who does this serve?’, ‘What is the impact of this action?’

5. And implement your new reaction instead.

4. Practice Saying No

Learning to say "no" is a muscle that needs strengthening. Start in low-stakes situations, like declining a small favour, and work your way up to bigger challenges. Remember, no is a complete sentence. We’re not justifying our existence or needs, anymore.

You may want to practice via text/email first if you find it difficult or too pressured to say “no” in person.

5. Build a Support System

Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and encourage your growth. The more you’re around others who set and maintain boundaries, the more normalised this behaviour will feel for you.

If someone else’s boundary setting makes you feel uncomfortable or annoys you, interrogate ‘why’. Are they not meeting social expectations, or are they just falling short of what you would do in that situation.

Only-child friends are great for this, they set and maintain boundaries like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Watching them unapologetically fulfil their needs and say “no” to social engagements, simply because they don’t feel like it, opened up a whole new way of thinking and being for me.

6. Invest in Yourself

Shift the narrative from always giving to others to prioritising yourself. Treat yourself to things that align with your values and financial goals. Build an emergency fund AND a F-it fund, or take a course that boosts your career potential. When you invest in your well-being, everyone benefits from a happier, more grounded version of you.

A Beautiful Butterfly

Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t about becoming selfish; it’s about finding balance. You can still be generous, but from a place of abundance, not obligation. When you address the traumas and beliefs at the root of your behaviour, you’ll start to:

• Make financial decisions rooted in your needs and values.

• Set goals that align with what truly matters to you.

• Create space for deeper, more authentic connections.

The ripple effects are profound: better mental health, greater financial resilience, and a life where your energy flows toward what you care about most.

You’re In Control

If people-pleasing has been running the show, it’s time to take back the wheel. Healing these patterns won’t happen overnight, but every small step adds up. Remember: prioritising yourself isn’t selfish; it’s necessary. By saying “no” to what drains you, you’re saying “yes” to a healthier, more fulfilling life - and financial future.